Happy Birthday Daddy!

Today is my daddy’s birthday!  He’s 43

I found him yesterday, lying in bed.  He was foaming at the mouth.  When I touched him he was so hot, I didn’t know what to do.  I was scared, worried, nervous, confused, angry…every negative feeling you could think of- I was feeling.  I wanted someone to blame so bad…but the reality of it is, it’s no one’s fault.

I knew this day would come, but not this soon.  It was just Saturday morning that he was here, at my apartment with me.  Happy, laughing, singing, joking…  He has diabetes, but he doesn’t take care of himself.  When he eats, he eats candy, doughnuts, cookies, cereal…I have to remind him EVERYDAY to take his shot (insulin) to regulate his glucose (sugar).  How can you forget to take your shot, you have to do it every day?  -That’s what I wondered.  But he was a kid at heart. In his mind…he had no worry in the world…he loved to work.  He’s a master electrician.  That’s all he ever did work, work, work…

My Oma (Grandmother) is in Germany.  She is coming on an emergency flight and will be back tomorrow night.  She’s going to be heartbroken.  Her baby…he’s not okay.  He has tubes coming out of every hole…he can’t breathe on his own.  He’s in a coma, he hasn’t come out.  He may not.  I went to the emergency room the first day when they brought him…when he started throwing up blood, I couldn’t watch anymore.  I couldn’t take it.  Seeing my daddy like that.  He doesn’t want to be like that.  I know the nurses are taking good care of him though.  He’s in ICU now.  I can’t even type, I can’t think…everything comes out and I’m worried about my grammar, my spelling, my tone, dialect… but nothing makes sense as I’m typing it.  I just hope someone will understand it.

I left the hospital yesterday and I came home and cried myself to sleep.   I woke up and knew that I would cry myself to death if I kept on.  So I took a shower, made a sandwich, and went back to spend time with my dad.  The Neurologist hasn’t finished reading the EEG report, but he isn’t brain dead.  He’s brain activity is “unusual” whatever the fuck that means.  No one will tell me.  He was squeezing my hand when I was holding it!  Like he knew I was there…He knows I love him.  But I feel guilty now.  Because I feel like I should be crying and I’m not.  I have no more tears in my eyes.  I almost don’t feel any more pain.  I don’t want to stop feeling it though.  Even though I hate being sad, I don’t want to become oblivious to everything around me.  It’s happening, it’s real…I can’t block it out.  So now I am waiting… just waiting for something, anything to happen.  So I’ll just hope for the best, and be prepared for the worst.

Ashli: “Daddy…I don’t know if I believe in God anymore…”

Gordon: “Well…there has to be SOMETHING. Wouldn’t you rather die believing, and find out there is no God…than die NOT believe, and find out there was?”

Ashli: “Well, when you put it that way, I would rather believe.”

Gordon: “Than believe, what do you have to lose?”