Writer’s Block: Take the pain away

24 Oct

I wish for just one moment, It would be back in 1992, when we lived on Cedar Keys…and it was just you, my daddy, and me. No one else. No Lies, No Hate, No Regret, No Broken Promises, No Abuse, No PROJECTION, No Manipulation, No Evil, No Worries…Just Love, unconditional love…that’s what I thought it was… I won’t forgive you for what you have done until your dead.  You are not my mother any more, but I’m sorry you wanted it this way. I don’t understand why. Perhaps you’re right though; and I hope that Lexi is a better daughter for you, since you rejected me. How can a woman who bears a child out of their own body not have love and compassion?! None, whatsoever!? All I ask is that you don’t make the same mistake with Lexi; please…her life is precious. She is not part of the “cult” that you speak of time and again; I promise, don’t let anyone or ANYTHING convince you of that…She was born innocent, don’t forget that.  Don’t punish her for your mistakes or someone else. Don’t project your feelings onto her. DON’T. Do you remember when your dad used to read me the SAME book every time I saw him for years? Remember that ONE day when you yelled at him and took the book from him and told him to read something else? You and I both know what was happening, but you knew that I was too young to understand didn’t you? You were protecting me! I know now! I’m sorry for everything that has happened.  I’ll always love the Mommy I had in 1992. But never have I loved you since Susan; and never will I love you again.

My Name has been changed, my phone number, my address, my work. I can’t put any of that at risk.
I know it’s not your fault; but i can’t allow you to hurt me or the rest of the family.  I know that the abuse has gotten worse for her; I see it in her eyes… She wants to scream out for help to her big sissy…..but she doesn’t because she thinks she has to take care of you, she thinks that she has to protect you.  You are going to go too far one day, Susan. Remember the time you almost went to far? Remember when I was 7? You knocked me clear across the room, I was hungry….Remember when you locked Lexi and I in the Garage, Padlocked it, and turned the electricity off? FOR TWO DAYS? I was just thinking, there is no way I came out of this woman’s body. How?! Please don’t hurt Lexi. And I know you can fool everyone else, the police, CPS, your neighbors, your friends…But eventually you will get caught.  Lexi is 11 now, do you not realize she is getting old enough to see all the deceitful, manipulative, projection that comes out of your mouth.  She may not tell anyone, but eventually, you will lose the only thing that you have…because she will see how much you really care about her…You buy beer before food. That’s pathetic. You live in a beautiful home, your daddy pays all your bills, your mother takes Lexi to all kinds of cool things, buys her nice things…but what do you do? You take them from her as punishment for being happy. She isn’t allowed to be happy. I’m so tired of people on TV and on the Radio talking about abuse… YOU PEOPLE DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBORS KID COULD BE THE ONE GETTING DAILY BEATINGS. And they don’t last long, After shaking, choking, and then punching a few times in the face…the kid will be knocked out for about an hour. right Susan? what did you always tell me mom, when i told you that I would tell… you said “PROVE IT” you tried for over 10 years to get me to believe that my dad raped me.  he didn’t. I knew he didn’t.  Not all fathers rape their daughters; like yours.  How you took it for 14 years… is beyond me.  I can’t explain how sorry I am for you, it’s not your fault! Please don’t think I’m saying that. But you never told anyone. and though it may not be sexual, you know that your abuse towards Lexi is the same. Why do you want to put her through that?! Lexi will never tell. You know that. She is helpless. You have 7 years left, then she will be 18. She won’t have to do a God damn thing for you, she won’t have to sit at the door for hours waiting because you locked her out to be inside with one of your boyfriends or get drunk or high. Set your Phone down, your Drink down, and Your pipe down… and spend time with your daughter before she’s old enough to get away; because believe me, she will.  And you know you don’t have long either. Cirrhosis is the result of your actions. I’m not sorry for you. But I just want to let you know I do appreciate the first 5 years of my life that you devoted to me, Those were the most important for my physical and mental development. But will never be remembered. Your Mistakes have scarred my heart and my soul.  Just know that we will start over in another life; or maybe just a dream…but Everything will be okay in the end….if it’s not okay; it’s not the end.

Ashli Anne Morgan-Cotter
aka
Ashley Anne Morgan (Your Lucy)


Remember when you used to tell me:

“I’ll Love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.”


What happened?

I’m sorry I let you down, I’m sorry that I fucked up and went to Prison. But look at me now!! I’m a pretty girl mom, you should see me, I look just like you; when you were happy.  I’m not strung out anymore! I work everyday! I pay my OWN bills, I don’t steal! I am accountable for EVERYTHING that I do. I am Honest. I am Loving, I am optimistic, caring, compassionate, hopeful, intelligent, thankful and  I know I have made mistakes, but I have LEARNED from them.  Being through the Texas Prison System changed my life.  2 years of my life were taken away from me-I had to deal with everything at once, and I had no choice. But I did it! I used it to benefit my life. Mom…. where were you when I graduated?! I wrote you hundreds of letters. I was Valedictorian! Did you know that?!? did you?! do you care?! I prayed for days that when i got up on that stage, I would look out and see you, but who did I see…..? The two people who have helped me more than anyone. Nick and my Dad. You would have been so proud of me. I could see the look on your face in my mind. It was the same face you made back in 1992.


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